Tuesday, January 7, 2014

The Bachelor- Live Blogged Recap- Spoiler Alert?

Alright, it's happened. I'm joining THE bandwagon. I watched Desiree Hartsock's entire season of The Bachelorette and was glued. I loathed myself for becoming addicted. The damage has been down and now, I'm live blogging (live typing???) and posting once it's done.

(Also, I hope I'm not committing blogging suicide with this rigamaro...)

The Bachelor 17

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  1. (Roll season previews) These crybabies. Why are they surprised at the things that happen on this show?! Frustrating!
  2. I am having so much fun repeating what Juan Pablo says in my own imitation of him. 
  3. Sean just said he knew he'd picked the right girl when he was scrubbing his dog with tomato juice and baking soda with his fiance. To which I exclaimed, "Now, THAT'S a show I'd watch!" Seriously, what if they put couples in real life scenarios like a) steam cleaning carpets b) plunging toilets c) scrubbing skunk stench? Alert the media, I have an idea! 
  4.  I may be the ONLY woman in America who does NOT want a hug from Juan Pablo. Maybe there's something wrong with me??? I may give descent side hugs, but please, keep your hugs to yourself, sir.
  5. Your Spanish is terrible, Chelsea.
  6. Amy J. Massage Therapist. One word, two syllables.  Awk-ward
  7. Lauren from Edmond, please make Oklahoma proud. I dig your tragus piercing so I have high hopes. Wait! A man broke you heart a year ago?  I'm sorry for that. Really, I am. Is this the best time for you to be pursuing a serious commitment?
  8. Girl whose family is of Mexican descent whose name I missed (32), your Spanish is going to kick Chelsea's Spanish in the booty! 
  9. Oh, help him. More than 25?! 27...... nevermind... must not have been THAT overwhelming....
  10. Awkward Pause City, here we come!
  11. Awww, she brought her a bracelet! That's so sweet! Genuinely thoughtful and probably memorable.
  12. How are you supposed to react to a bunch of women fan-girling in the back of a limo? 
  13. I notice everyone using any Spanish phrases they know. Heck! Hola will do.
  14. Lucy's job is "free spirit"? Where do I apply for that job?
  15. These women's gowns are all lovely. I'd wear every single one.
  16. Lauren S. - you are a talented pianist. It's okay you made a mistake. "If you can't make a mistake, you can't make anything!"
  17. I like you Chelsie, Earth Science teacher lady. Corny pick up line and all! 
  18.  Ashley, first grade teacher, gold star. Mayyyyyybe I'm partial, but....teacher ladies have the corny factor on lock-down. Represent!
  19. For. the. love. Why is Clare pretend pregnant?
  20. Amy J., I super dig your hair. I may need to find a picture of you to take to a stylist....
  21. My favorites always have sincere, non-showy first impressions. 
  22. Maggie! You're little accent is so endearing! I hope you get to stay so I can hear you some more. 
  23. OH WHAT A CUTE DOGGY! Kelly, you look like Jessica Rabbit. That is a compliment because she's a hot tamale. She's also not bad. She's just drawn that way. 
  24. Juan Pablo, you get points for complimenting Sharleen's dress.  
  25. Andi tells the Bachelor, "You're pretty cute." *raises eyebrow* Right. 
  26. Anyone else ever noticed how a bunch of women talking really do sound like a hen house? Just me? 
  27. "It feels like you're meat. That they wanna eat you." BAHAHAHA!!!
  28. Lipstick on your potential boyfriend's cheek that is not the same color as yours....
  29. Lucy, I like your flower crown, your dress, your style, you free spirit..... I'm not sure Juan Pablo gets your schtick. 
  30. Stop it. Stopitstopitstopit! Massage therapist lady, QUIT! You're making us ALL uncomfortable. No. Oh dear. No. Ick. You make me need to throw up. Juan Pablo even thinks you're awkward. Don't.
  31.  How many times do you think we'll hear, "If I don't get a rose, I will be absolutely devastated?" If I were a drinking gal, that could be a game in itself. 
  32. Fangirling. Fangirling. Fangirling *insert dramatic eye roll here*
  33. Sitting. On the couch. With a cranky facial expression. Will not get any positive attention. Stop that.
    Sidenote: Dear Lauren H., sweet girl, I wish I could give you a hug. You need more healing time. This may not be the right spot for you. I won't be sad if you be honest with yourself and come back to Oklahoma. Also, a man/husband/relationship will not be the place to find your worth.
  34. Yep, he likes Sharleen. He admires that she's classy and covered. Modest is hottest y'all. He looks at her differently than the ones who bore more skin. Watch it. You'll see it, too.  I bet he gives her the rose. Betcha. OHHHHHH BABAM! Why does she keep calling him "sir"?
  35. Catty women being catty. I see you cutting your eyes every time someone that's not you gets a rose.  
  36. Oh dear Oh dear Oh dear.  Cat, Kylie - ..... sounds the same, right? Awkward doesn't begin to describe it.
  37. Lucy hugged Chris Harrison more emphatically when he told her she was going to be on the show than she did Juan Pablo who just gave her a rose. 
  38. I can't ignore it. I can't. I can't let it sit... but when Amy J. (massage lady) said "Sometimes people don't feel you the way you feel them." Well.... that's all I have to say about that. 
  39. Juan Pablo seems genuinely concerned for these women's feelings. He let the First Impression recipient know he's been in her shoes. He even mentioned the Rose Ceremony is his least favorite part. I sincerely hope he finds his mate...mostly because that's why we're all watching. Because we like the drama and everyone loves a good love story.
  40. I predict Sharleen excuses herself from this season before he's ready for her to go. 

Do you have any favorites? Who are you pulling for? Let's dish!

As always, this season promises LOTS of drama! Can't wait to figure out who screams, "I HATE YOU JUAN PABLO! I HOPE YOU DIIIIIIIIIE!"

Lastly, The Bachelor thinks American females are all about gratuitous shirtless scenes. You're welcome, ladies. Sincerely, ABC. 

Get Your Fashion On, Jana Faith


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