Friday, January 18, 2013

Friday I'm in Love - #3



Warning: This post is wordy - but it's true.

Okay, I promised I would finish this love story. Somehow the first week of neglect turned into two, then three three, and now it's been a month. Sorry. The middle just doesn't seem as much fun as the beginning and where we are now.The middle gets vague in my mind... so if the details are sketch, I'm sorry.

It seems like we (read: I was still crazy about Joe but felt like we weren't supposed to be together) waited about a year then got back together. We were together a year and I broke up with Joe again.

We went to Mayfest on a Saturday. I got a Cherry Dr. Pepper. I broke up with him on a Sunday. After church. It. Was. Awful. It. Was. Crushing. I still have that day seared into my memory. It's not romantic on my part. All I know is I wanted to be with Joe but couldn't shake the feeling that I wasn't supposed to be. To this date, I have no explanation that makes sense out loud.

Here's a sappy moment- Joe kept that Cherry Dr. Pepper bottle until we got back together years later. Gross? Not even. Am I even more in love with that guy because of it? Probably so. 

We waited another two or three years and I never dated anyone else. Joe never dated anyone else. It really sounds like I'm crazy. My brain just wouldn't stop obsessing about the possibilities of whether we were or weren't supposed to be together but I knew I wanted to be with him. The entire time I prayed God would either take Joe away or take my feelings for him away if they weren't supposed to be there.

I truly believe the relationships you experience before marriage shape the way you think about relationships in general. Before Joe, I made a lot of bad thought habits. What I mean is, I allowed another person and other people to speak into my heart and mind. I'd been in another serious relationship before Joe and I'd tried to convince myself to marry that person even though it wasn't the right thing for me.

I've shared with my blog friends about my anxiety, and that was actually diagnosed. I am by no means a doctor and the following is not something that was diagnosed by a physician but in hindsight, I do relate a lot with something called "Relationship OCD". It's not like the kind of OCD where you have outward symptoms of locking and unlocking, cleaning, straightening, etc. It's all mental obsessions and to say the least, it's unpleasant.

Anyway, we were "friends" for another three years. We did everything together. Literally everything. Shopping, thrifting, movies, dinner (he paid), went to the park and swung on swings, went to the fair, and Octoberfest. We still spent Valentine's together and had a weekly "hang-out" night. (Um, call it what it was: DATE NIGHT!) He helped me clean the carpets when I bought my house. He helped me paint a wall. We shopped til he dropped for household items. Yeah. My friend. My best friend. Teacher-friends told me, "That guy is not just your friend because he wouldn't be up here grading papers and working in your classroom with you." Regular friends, "You guys spend too much time together to be 'just friends'." My parents, "Are you sure Joe is just your friend?" Church people, "You guys are such a cute couple. When are you getting married?" Somehow, the entire time, I rationalized in my head that we were truly "just friends" but he was in fact, my super attractive, hot friend I had a massive crush on.

Joe, you are a king among men for your patience.

Part 2

It'll start getting fun again in #4, promise. ;o)

Get your fashion on! 
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Renée said...

Haha! I'm loving this! I definitely believe that relationship OCD exists. when you carry anxiety about making mistakes with you, your love life is going to be huge part of that.
Can't wait for part 4!

Jess said...

I'm so ready for part 4...I'm getting how many years have gone by confused though, haha

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